Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
