I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
high people should be assigned attendants
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
