Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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