Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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