Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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