break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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