u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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