I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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