Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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