what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
