I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize