he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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