dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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