i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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