You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
