YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
