Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
