On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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