I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
