Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
