i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
