i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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