I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
