Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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