Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
