Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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