So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
