I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
