I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
