I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
