I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
