And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
