Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
People in love make me want to vomit
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
