i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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