I just cut my nipple shaving
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
