Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize