Tell her she can't have a vagina
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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