I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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