So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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