remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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