We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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