i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
