my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
