yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
