i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
