The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
someone owes me an orgasm
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
