So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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