Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
