I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
