The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
