Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Green mimosas i think yes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
