Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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