oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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