its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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