Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
